Just play the field

“Life isn't fair.” Haven’t you been told that your entire life? I know I have; not just by my parents, but anyone who chooses to take something away from you. Maybe it’s tangible, maybe not; either way, it’s often heard when something is a disappointment. It’s like using “bless your heart.” All of you southern readers know what I’m referring to…those that don’t, just ask a southerner! I feel like we use these as excuse phrases-you know- to make the situation not seem so bad. In reality, though, life really isn't fair, but was it ever supposed to be?

Jesus died on the cross to save us- for eternal life and happiness- but we have to suffer for the good of our Lord. Doesn't sound like a good deal to you? Well…would you have rather been nailed to a cross to die? I think in the scheme of things we've become spoiled by movies and books and TV shows about our true reality. I know I searched for a story book romance for so long. Not to say that I don’t have a great relationship, but no one has ever crawled up my hair or rescued me from a fire breathing dragon and then taken me off into the sunset on his white steed. Expectations can be so heartbreaking. I had my whole life planned out when I was a senior in high school. I was going to marry my high school boyfriend after we graduated college and then we were going to live in his grandfather’s house, and eventually have a family. Sounds great…sounds very… Leave it to Beaveresque…sounds so NOT like me. Maybe that was me then, but life’s unfair treatments have turned me into someone that I love. Who would I be without the Lord’s guidance and life’s scary, but needed lessons? I would be this shy, un-traveled, dependent girl with no back-bone. Ha…we all know, that’s not who I am now!

I’ve never been a spoiled person or cared about money, so to me, life’s earlier, unfair curve balls had been simple things-things that I might forget about the next day. Things a high-schooler would “die” over, but as a young adult, we laugh. “Oh my gosh, my hair is so..frizzy!” “Oh my gosh, he didn't ask me to prom!”  “Oh my gosh, my parents won’t let me go to his party!” And so on….

Now, life has stepped up its game and decided to throw some sliders. You know, those ones that sneak in without you expecting it. I’ve spent a lot of tears and pouty days asking God what is going on lately. Is this a mid-term!? I feel like I can’t get up off the ground before getting knocked down again. And then…I remember… a man is strongest when he/she is on their knees before the Lord. Where am I though? Am I on my knees? No, I’m crossing my arms and pouting like a 5 year old when I should be giving all of my worry to the Lord. What about people with life-threatening problems? Those strong souls of cancer, the hungry, the homeless, the broken and abused…I’m none of those. Yes, I’ve known people with these harsh conditions, but never personally-myself. My mom had breast cancer and became a stronger woman of God, one of my childhood friends traded in luxury for a life in Africa—helping those in need. My dad is currently losing his business. There are so many other issues I could mention, but I really don’t think there’s enough space to fit them all. Ha, and I’m disputing an unfair call on my life!? How does humanity form us to be this way? I don’t consider myself to be a prideful person, but what is it about giving up problems!? Why do we want to fix them ourselves? There’s no prize, no reward, no trophy. No one congratulates you on your life problem solving. So why is it so hard to just say, “Lord, I give it all to you; take it, for it is yours?” Hmmm…not hard at all J it’s not that life isn't fair; it’s that we’re trying to be the umpires instead of just playing the field. 

Home is where your heart is

Home sweet home, home is where your heart is, there's no place like home...

It's not until you move when you realize what home really means to you. To me, home is the house I grew up in. I have never moved, my parents have lived in the same house since they were married, and to me, I feel it's the only place that I can ever know as "home." Savannah takes second place as a place I felt at home. Although I was ready for a new experience, I can never forget the amazing memories I created the 7 years I was there.

I flew from KS to GA last weekend for Katie's engagement party and James' wedding. Our closest airport is in Wichita and I couldn't fight the irony when I passed the gift shop full of Wizard of Oz memorabilia. "There's no place like home," I read as I passed the display windows full of t-shirts and magnates. I felt so peaceful as the plane began to descend into Atlanta, and all I could think was, "there's no place like home."

I met my mom at the top of the escalator, she embraced me and excitedly asked me how my flight was. The night of Katie's engagement party reminded me of how truly blessed I am. I was able to catch up with old friends and those I consider my second family. James and Camilla's wedding was so much fun, and even though I didn't know a lot of people, I knew James and Camilla. I was asked to be a part of their day and that was special enough for me.

I've returned to OK and since sported my GA shirt to the university's home game on Saturday. I streamed the video on my phone so I could keep up with the game. Something that simple, GA football, reminded me of my childhood, my high school years, my college years, and after. So my question is, will I ever feel at home here? My answer? I don't know. I'm trying..I am, but it's hard. It's hard to leave "home." I'm not talking about leaving my parent's house, but leaving everything that I've ever known as home. Sometimes something will happen that will spark a memory, and I can't turn to the person beside me and say "ha remember when....." It's about making new memories. I know this. I don't want to sit here and say that my fiance is not a part of my heart, more than a part, he's taken my heart. I moved here for him and I will always support and know that a relationship is built on giving. What we have here has been so important in building our relationship and our future. I know this. I know it's early and I know that I have to give it time. I really hate being so...depressing. I wish I could offer words of joy or excitement, but for now, for this Sunday, this is all I have to offer.

Home is where your heart is...I'm just trying to figure out if my heart was left in GA.

Make lemonade...

Remember when you were 7 years old and you always wanted to be 16? I remember wishing I were 16; dreaming of what it would be like to be a teenager, who could drive! Oh the fun and excitement 16 years would hold!! I also remember in middle school I was asked to write "where you will be at the age of 25?" Ha, if I only knew then what I know now! I wrote that I would have a family, 2 or 3 kids, and a house; guess when you're 12 or 13, 25 seems so...old!

 How about those high school football games? I can say that is one of my best memories of high school. A slight chill brings football season into play. My fellow cheerleaders and I would all gather at Katie's to put on make-up and fix our hair. We excitedly stood on the track and chatted until we were caught by our coach. Touchdowns by the Raiders meant 10 push-ups for us. The band was roaring and fans were cheering. Looking into the stands, you would find your friends and wave...sometimes throw them a plastic football, if our team scored. There was also soccer season. Oh I loved the smell of grass on my cleats. We would start our season in winter and freeze during pre-season. One year, the white county game brought snow and instead of water, we drank hot chocolate on the sidelines. I think now, I would throw up after drinking that! Soccer was my ultimate passion...I miss it.

Then you're in college. Enjoying the freedom that you now have from your parents, experimenting with alcohol (well...some did...I never found the taste for it), and finding out that there are MANY more fish in the sea than your high school boys. This is where life speeds up, because you really do have the time of your life. Sometimes I wish I could rewind and revisit all those memories. That's all they are...memories. Some captured in pictures, others in my mind. You so wish to be finished with classes and then when you are, you realize your entire life is about to change. Once you cross that stage and change your tassel, you are done. Responsibility begins. (or is supposed to...)

Now, at the age of 27, I'm not married, no kids, and no house...not yet. I am engaged, getting married in a year, no kids...not ready for that...and almost a house! Yes, I am possibly a home owner! I thought buying my car was a big deal, but a house!? A mortgage!? I never saw my life turning in this direction. I always believed God has a sense of humor! I'm out in the middle of no-where, embarking on a new life. It's been...well..y'all know..hard! I've definitely been clouding God's prayer mail, but I think things are starting to look up. It's time to grow up! It's time to face life and actually MAKE lemonade!

Manic Monday

Well, since my birthday weekend was pretty flawless...I can't expect a good Monday. Today was the day that I had to get my license renewed. (Actually, I now know that should've been done BEFORE my birthday)....

The DMV...what could be worse than the visit to the DMV? Seriously...when they started doing services for citizens, did they ask themselves, "what would be the most inconvenient way to run an office?" I don't know of ANYONE that has had a pleasant, quick, or even average trip to the DMV. 2012 is the year of my renewal. Before my move to OK, I was trying to make it the the office in GA to get my license renewed; however, you now have to bring your brother's cousin's mom, your dog's breeder, and your grandparent's car tag to get a renewal. (Not really...that was severe sarcasm :)  Anyways, my trip to OK came faster than I had hoped and I didn't get to do all of that before I left. So, here I am, in OK, settling into a new job, a temporary house, and trying to adjust to my life out west. I had to get a new tag first, which meant switching my insurance to an OK office. That took a couple days. By the time I was ready for my license, it was Saturday (my birthday) and guess what is NOT open on Saturday... Yep...DMV.

So here in our little town, you can't get your license here, you have to drive to the closest city, which is an hour away. (This is why I have been delayed). My boss let me go today, so I arrive and take a number...you guessed it...there's a wait! One person is working behind the counter and one person is doing driving tests. There are about 30 people in the waiting room and a family that smells like sour milk. As I'm texting and facebooking on my phone, I see a sign that says "no mobile devises." Now, call me crazy, but shouldn't a government affiliated office spell their signs correctly!? I attempted to get a picture, but looked a bit creepy holding my phone up to my face.  An hour and a half later I hear "48!" That's my number!! "I hope I'm in the right place, " I sigh, as I reach the counter. ---Up to this point, that had been my first worry, being that I had already driven to the wrong office.---As it turns out, I'm in the right place, but because my license is expired I now have to take both a computer test and a driving test...again! "However, " she smiles, "we're not doing any more driving tests today, so come back tomorrow." "You're kidding?" I manage. "I just drove an hour here, I work, I can't come back." I could feel frustration welling in my eyes as I tried to hold back my tears. "Please," I plead, "you really don't understand what I'm going through...I just moved here, please?"  "Ok dear, we'll let you go today." So, yes, I took a permit and driving test today! Can I just add that I was so nervous! "What if I fail!?" I kept thinking. I passed, and am now officially an "Oklahoman." Oh and just to add to my day.... apparently, Oklahoma's car insurance is more expensive than GA's...AWESOME!

27 years young

As most of you are well-aware, I had my birthday this weekend. It was a relaxing weekend, filled with many greetings from friends and family. My wonderful fiance took me to dinner at the Vintage House in Burlington. It's a restaurant that was recommended to him by one of the coaches here in town. I put on my high heels, and Steve wore his gray dress pants; it was nice to dress up and have a "date night." The house was located in a small town about 20 miles from Alva. It was, literally, an old house. We were timid to walk through the front door, in fear that we would be walking into someone's house. The tables were spread about the different rooms and dressed with white laced tablecloths. There were Christmas lights strung about the ceiling and wreaths and garland filled the small chandeliers above the tables. We sat down at a small table beside the door. The menu was filled with different types of steak dinners, and Steve decided on a buffalo rib-eye, while I had the filet. The meal was divine. Dinner ended in a chocolate/peanut butter dessert, smothered in whipped cream and chocolate shavings on top. (The oreo crust sold me) :) The evening was perfect. As we left, a cool breeze greeting us at the door as the sun set slowly behind the fields.

 I can't believe I'm 27 years old. By next summer, it will be 10 years since high school. 10 years!!! Seriously, not to be cliche, but where does the time go!? I feel as though I'm still a teenager. I still love simple things, like watching sunsets and gazing into the dark night, wishing upon a star. I love holding my fiance's hand as we stroll through Wal-Mart, or diving into the words of a well-written author. I love late night phone calls that end in giggles and dancing in my room before I go to bed. I love innocence. I hope that I will forever feel so many years young, and never old.

Never let your prayin' knees get lazy

Ahhh, so if you read my post yesterday, then I'm sure you're wondering what in the world is going on in my life. It's nothing terrible, just change. Change is good, but change is rarely easy. I've moved around a lot since high school, but this has definitely been the most challenging. My fiance has been incredible. He supports me, encourages me, and puts his arms around me when I cry. I can't imagine how he feels and I feel terrible for feeling this way. I consider myself a strong person, but there are just some days that you NEED to cry! And then...after you cry, and cry, and cry..then you stop and you figure out what you are going to do! Today I went to work and tried to smile as much as possible. Our custodian makes my day. He's one of the only people I see throughout the day, and he always makes me smile. Sometimes just a , "Good morning Brooke," is the only thing I need to get me through the day. My boss has been really nice, too. I guess I'm just frustrated because I keep having to re-do my work. I don't like being wrong. I don't like my imperfections! Ugh! So today, I went to the gym. Let me tell you a little secret...if you are stressed, don't eat to solve the problem...WORK OUT! It is the best feeling and when you are upset and you can just go! Today, I did 6 miles on the elliptical! Oh endorphins! (Well, that plus wine, oreos, and chocolate covered strawberries)! I've got some serious soul searching to do, praying, and writing. Yep, writing is my absolute passion. I hope to pursue it...one day. I'm going to end with some lyrics that I heard the other day. They're from Lee Brice's song "Love like crazy." Take the advice...

Be a best friend, tell the truth
And overuse "I love you"
Go to work, do your best
Don't outsmart your common sense
Never let your prayin' knees get lazy
And love like crazy

Sacrifice and Swollen Eyes

Moving to a foreign place...exciting, adventurous, scary, stressful, emotional, unknown. Yep, it's all of these things and more. I thought moving to Oklahoma would be different, but I guess I wasn't prepared for how different. I'm a born and raised GA girl, so the climate itself is a change. I am also sharing a 2 bdrm 1 bth house with 3 other people, so that makes for an interesting time. We all get along though. It's not the big things that seem to bother me...it's the little things. Like not being able to plan a wedding with my friends and family, very little to no bridal showers (because I'm not close enough), hopefully a bachelorette party...not being able to see my bridesmaids try on their dresses, missing my friends and family, missing the hugs they give me when I break into tears. And then there's my job...there's nothing particularly wrong with the job itself, but I think I'm just horrible at it. I took the job because I had no other opportunities and I couldn't afford to miss a paycheck. Desperation. It's so frustrating! I go to my job and fail, everyday! I kinda feel that way ever since I graduated from college. Everyone around me is doing such great things with their lives...and I feel like a college freshman deciding on a major. I don't want to sound ungrateful, I have wonderful things in which I have been blessed, but I can't seem to do anything right, which bothers me, because I am an achiever. I feel so out of place here, so lost. So depressed. My eyes feel permanently tired from my tears. They slowly stream down my cheek and into my pillow. Many nights I cry myself to sleep here; hoping tomorrow's sunshine will bring some sanctuary. At my office, I hide my head into my palms, and weep.  My God is my refuge. My God will take care of me. My God knows the paths he has chosen for me. I repeat them over and over in my head, but my stubborn humanity breaks through and my eyes swell with tears. Oh how I wish they were tears of joy and not this deepened heartache. Sacrifice..that's what I did. Every relationship must have sacrifice. Jesus paid it all...why can't I even pay a little without feeling so lost!? I feel so selfish. I don't mean to be. I don't want to be. I don't want to feel this way! It's only been a week of work, a week of tears, a week of sadness...it'll pass...I hope.

Time Flies!

July, 2012:

Steve has moved to OK and is enjoying his job. I am home with my parents, frantically searching for jobs and housing. Due to the oil boom in the area, the housing market is quickly diminishing, and in addition, the community is not dog friendly...and Steve has two large dogs. Needless to say, we are not having much luck. I land a job interview and have to fly to OK. I hadn't seen Steve in a month, so I was anxious to go west! I flew in and interviewed on Wednesday, by Friday I was offered the job, and my start date was set for the next Monday. I flew home on Tuesday, packed my car with as much as I could, met with a wedding photographer, went to see a wedding site, and went to Atlanta to pick up Steve from the airport. He was flying in to help me drive. We headed from Atlanta to Cincinnati, then from Cincinnati to Missouri, and then finally, from Missouri to Oklahoma. By Sunday, I was exhausted and on Monday, I was set to start work at 8 AM.

A Change in Pace

May, 21, 2012. We return to our jobs on Monday, after our trip to Vegas and engagement. I am giving finals at school and fighting to stay awake. The time change, although small, affected me greatly, but the rumor of my engagement has spread and I am continually retelling my dream proposal. As the day goes on, I find out that my fiance has gone to work and been let go. Talk about an emotional roller coaster! We are in shock as to what we are to do, so he begins frantically searching for jobs. After school ends, we go to visit my parents and Steve gets a job offer....in Oklahoma. It's a wonderful offer, a promotion, a raise, one that can't be turned down. So we decide to go, and in that moment, my life begins to change...drastically.

Steve has 2 weeks from the time we return to Savannah to pack and head out to OK. I help him move and then begin packing myself. I have decided to move in with my parents until I can find a job in OK. I didn't feel it would be practical to move without a job or income. My dad and mom come down to help me move, for the 100th time; we load up the Penske truck and head North. The next morning, my dad and I rise to take the truck to the storage unit, and in less than 48 hrs, we are unloading again. Two hours pass and we finish. The storage unit is packed and we're wondering how I ever accumulated so many things!

The Engagement

Hello all,

As most of you know, I love writing. I started keeping a journal when I was 5 or so. Then progressed to the Myspace blogs, and finally Facebook...of course. However, as much as I love putting my thoughts and feelings into words, I have never had an online blog. I was inspired by my dear friend Katherine, who traveled to Africa and blogged her entire experience. Although my life is no life in Africa, I have just begun a new chapter in my life and feel like sharing with you fine folks! :)

I'm going to take y'all back to May 18, where the change began. I packed my suitcases (yes, plural...one was completely full of shoes). -I'm kinda a shoe fanatic- and set out for my first trip to Vegas. Steve, my boyfriend, had a work conference being held in Vegas, and I decided to tag along. After a couple days of sightseeing, we dressed for a nice dinner in the Eiffel Tower. We arrived an hour early ( I know what you're thinking... I'm only early when Steve's in charge of time) and went atop the tower with Steve's friends. As I gazed out over the bright, twinkling lights and positioned my camera for the ultimate shots, Steve and friends were setting up for my ultimate surprise. I walked over with them for a "group picture," when a guitar and song break out. I'm confused, looking for an answer, while Steve is continually seeking my attention. It's not until he moves in front of me and grabs my hands that I realize what is happening. I begin to shiver, nervously smiling, as he kneels down and proposes. It was such a perfect moment. I will never forget.