Moving to a foreign place...exciting, adventurous, scary, stressful, emotional, unknown. Yep, it's all of these things and more. I thought moving to Oklahoma would be different, but I guess I wasn't prepared for how different. I'm a born and raised GA girl, so the climate itself is a change. I am also sharing a 2 bdrm 1 bth house with 3 other people, so that makes for an interesting time. We all get along though. It's not the big things that seem to bother me...it's the little things. Like not being able to plan a wedding with my friends and family, very little to no bridal showers (because I'm not close enough), hopefully a bachelorette party...not being able to see my bridesmaids try on their dresses, missing my friends and family, missing the hugs they give me when I break into tears. And then there's my job...there's nothing particularly wrong with the job itself, but I think I'm just horrible at it. I took the job because I had no other opportunities and I couldn't afford to miss a paycheck. Desperation. It's so frustrating! I go to my job and fail, everyday! I kinda feel that way ever since I graduated from college. Everyone around me is doing such great things with their lives...and I feel like a college freshman deciding on a major. I don't want to sound ungrateful, I have wonderful things in which I have been blessed, but I can't seem to do anything right, which bothers me, because I am an achiever. I feel so out of place here, so lost. So depressed. My eyes feel permanently tired from my tears. They slowly stream down my cheek and into my pillow. Many nights I cry myself to sleep here; hoping tomorrow's sunshine will bring some sanctuary. At my office, I hide my head into my palms, and weep. My God is my refuge. My God will take care of me. My God knows the paths he has chosen for me. I repeat them over and over in my head, but my stubborn humanity breaks through and my eyes swell with tears. Oh how I wish they were tears of joy and not this deepened heartache. Sacrifice..that's what I did. Every relationship must have sacrifice. Jesus paid it all...why can't I even pay a little without feeling so lost!? I feel so selfish. I don't mean to be. I don't want to be. I don't want to feel this way! It's only been a week of work, a week of tears, a week of sadness...it'll pass...I hope.
It will pass Brooke. Embrace your emotions and the tears now. Sounds like you have a wonderful man to wipe them away for you! You are so bold to really say how you feel! I'm inspired by it!
ReplyDeleteThanks girl! My inspiration to start this all came from you!
ReplyDeleteBrooke- I know how you feel. When we moved to Savannah for Brad to go to school- I left all of my friends and family in Atlanta - and I couldn't find a job and I felt lost and alone. Even though we had just got married- and I was beyond happy- I was scared and insecure in my new surroundings. It can be challenging- just trust yourself and your abilities- and be yourself- your personality and character will get you through this. An experience like this really puts life in perspective, gives you the opportunity for self reflection, and allows you to really appreciate those you love and love you. Hang in there - and keep writing... :)
ReplyDeleteOh my dear friend! I knew you were hurting, i just didn't quite realize how deep till I was reading this. It brought me to tears, but also encouraged me b/c of the strength you are finding in Christ our Savior!! You are an amazing woman and I know you are going to get through this and make a home in OK!
ReplyDeleteLove you!! Keep writing b/c it's beautiful! Keep looking to Jesus!